Can't Change Him? Navigating a Relationship with an Unhealthy Lifestyle
Dear Abby's advice column often tackles the tough questions in relationships. This week, a reader grapples with a significant challenge: loving a partner with an unhealthy lifestyle. Can you change him? Should you? Read on for Abby's insightful perspective and practical advice on navigating this complex situation.
I'm in a long-term relationship with an incredible guy I'll call “Jerry.” We both have grown children, his parents and family are amazing, and we all get along wonderfully. The problem is, Jerry’s lifestyle choices are concerning. He smokes, eats poorly, avoids exercise, and generally doesn’t take care of himself. I've gently suggested he make changes, but he brushes me off, saying he's fine and doesn’t want to change. I’m worried about his health and the future of our relationship. What should I do?
Worried in [City/State - Optional]
Dear Worried,
You've stumbled upon a very common and frustrating dilemma. It's wonderful that you've found a partner with so many positive qualities – a loving family, good relationships with your children – but his disregard for his health is understandably causing you anxiety. Here's the thing: you cannot make Jerry change. People must want to change for themselves. Trying to force him will only lead to resentment and conflict.
Your concern is valid, and it's okay to express it. However, phrase your concerns in terms of your feelings and the impact his choices have on you, rather than lecturing him about his health. For example, instead of saying “You need to stop smoking,” try “I worry about your health and the future we could have together, and I find it difficult to see you engaging in habits that shorten your lifespan.”
Have an honest conversation with Jerry about your fears and why this is important to you. Explain that you love him and want to enjoy a long and healthy life with him. Be prepared for him to resist, and don't expect immediate results. Change takes time and commitment.
Consider suggesting he speak with his doctor. A professional assessment might be more impactful than coming from you. You could even offer to go with him to the appointment for support.
Ultimately, you need to decide what you’re willing to accept. If Jerry is unwilling to even consider making changes, you need to assess whether you can live with this situation long-term. It's a difficult decision, but your own well-being is paramount. Don’t sacrifice your happiness trying to change someone who doesn’t want to change.
Sincerely,
Abby
What do you think? Is it possible to maintain a healthy relationship when one partner refuses to prioritize their health? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
